


Dear Dean Winchester (Revisited)

by Amazhangdestiel



Series: Dear Dean Winchester (Revisited) [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dark, Depression, M/M, PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide, Supernatural AU - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 05:05:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15163292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amazhangdestiel/pseuds/Amazhangdestiel
Summary: Castiel Novak committed suicide on the 17th of September, 2017, and his best friend Dean Winchester still doesn't know why. That is, until a series of letters addressed to Dean are uncovered. This is Castiel's story.





	Dear Dean Winchester (Revisited)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! Back in 2015 I wrote Dear Dean Winchester, but it was very poorly written. I still enjoy the idea behind it, so I decided to rewrite it. You can still read the old version as it is apart of a series on my account if you want to. Anyways, enjoy!

Two weeks. Fourteen days since Castiel had passed away, no- killed himself. Just thinking about him doing it made Dean sick. And now today was the day he had to attend his funeral. A familiar quesiness that had been plaguing him since he found out swelled in his stomach again. He glowered at his bedroom roof, as if it was the source of his problems. Mary would probably kill him for lying down in his suit, but Dean couldn’t bring himself to stand up. A sharp knock on his door brought him out of his reverie, so he lifted his head off his pillow to share his glower at the mystery person. 

‘’Mum said that we’re leaving in fifteen.’’ Sam said, peeking his head around the door. Dean laid his head back down on the pillow, not bothered to respond. 

‘’Dean, you know you can talk to me.’’ He pushed, stepping into Dean’s room. He appreciated Sam’s effort, but Sam was a kid; who wouldn’t understand anything that Dean wanted to say. Feeling something wet build in his eyes, Dean blinked rapidly.

‘’There’s nothing to talk about.’’ He replied flatly. The brothers stood in silence for a minute or two, before Sam backed out of the room. Dean listened to Sam thump downstairs, most likely to report back to his parents. Sitting up for what felt like the first time in forever, Dean rubbed his face with his hand. Throwing his best pair of shoes on, he left his room and followed his brothers suit and went downstairs. As predicted, Sam and his parents stood in a circle in the kitchen, whispering about Dean most likely. 

‘’He didn’t even look at me Mum, I’m really worried about him.’’ Sam whispered. John opened his mouth to reply, but Mary interrupted upon sight of Dean.

‘’Dean, honey; are you ready to go?’’ Mary said softly, pushing past the boys. She met Dean at the bottom of the stairs and wrapped her arms around him slowly, as if a sudden movement would break Dean in two. 

‘’Yeah.’’ Dean mumbled, hugging Mary back. He had hardly left his room in the past two weeks, but when he had his family had acted as if he was glass. Mostly, Dean found it annoying. But Dean himself felt as though he was made of glass. Ragged, and cracking. From grief, from guilt, from...whatever he was feeling. Mary pulled away from him, before finding her pale hands onto his tie. 

‘’I’ll fix this for you, and then we can leave.’’ Mary informed him, her skinny fingers pulling his black tie taught. Dean was never good at tying ties. Cas always did his. And now his mother was, and he wanted to vomit. He wished Cas was her, prodding fun at his inability to tie a tie. He heard John pick up the keys from the marble-top bench, and as if that was the cue, the Winchesters filed out of the house and into the family car. The car ride to the funeral home was short, and silent. He knew that he shared his grief with most of the family, as Cas had spent so many years at the Winchester abode he might as well have been their third child. But no one was as close as Dean was to Castiel. No one saw Cas in every room, every corner. That lopsided smirk, messy brown hair. Light, blue eyes staring into his own green, begging him for mischief. Cas seemed so happy with him. Cas was happy with him. At least, that’s what Dean thought. The screeching of tires brought Dean to reality again, and the sense of dread in his chest grew larger. 

The Kansas funeral home was large, dead and gloomy. Fitting, but still depressing. Climbing out of the backseat in his Dad’s Chevy, Dean followed the multiple black-clad mourners. It seemed as if the whole town had come to mourn Cas. Did any of these people even know who Cas was? Did any of them care? Following the black sea of funeral-goers, Dean marched up the hill towards his friends stony grave. The Novaks wanted him to speak. Dean wasn’t sure if remembered how. Every second he spent here, every step he took towards the tombstone that was crawling towards him, the more he saw Castiel. Did he hang himself? Did he slit his own wrists? 

‘’Woah, Dean- are you okay?’’ A concerned voice rang in his ears, once again shattering Dean’s delusions. No, he was not okay. He was never going to be. Turning his head to the right, he recognised Cas’s older brother Gabriel walking beside him. Blonde shaggy hair, hazel eyes and dourning a black tux- he was the opposite of Cas. 

‘’Um...I just need some….I need..’’ Dean spluttered, trying desperately to find the words to describe what he was feeling. But he knew what he needed. But he couldn’t have it.

‘’C’mon, let’s go.’’ Gabriel said softly, steering Dean away from the crowd. They walked across the dewy grass, moving towards the abandoned cars at the entrance of the cemetery. Bile rose in his throat, and this time he didn’t bother holding it back. Crouching over, Dean vomited behind a sad-looking rose bush. 

‘’Sorry, I just...I don’t know.’’ Dean mumbled, wiping his mouth with his hand. The older Novak smiled sympathetically, his hazel eyes reflecting his truer sadness. He pulled Dean into a hug, which he half-heartedly recuperate, still queasy from vomiting. 

‘’There’s something I need to tell you- actually, don’t worry.’’ Gabe began, pulling away from their hug. Dean frowned, what could Gabriel need to tell him?

‘’No, Gabe. What is it?’’ Dean quizzed, gripping onto his arm. Gabriel contemplated for a moment, before sighing loudly. 

‘’Okay, my parents didn’t want to tell you because you already looked like you were taking Cas’s….this thing pretty hard. But I would want to know if it were me.’’ Gabe explained, reaching into his blazer to pull out a stack of envelopes. There was at least twenty envelopes, and wrapped around them was a thin piece of twine. The boy extended them to Dean, who reluctantly took it. He read the top one’s front.

FOR DEAN WINCHESTER  
DO NOT OPEN OTHERWISE

He knew that sloppy cursive. That was Castiel’s handwriting. 

‘’Gabe, what are these?’’ Dean choked out, trying not to vomit again.

‘’Letters, from Cassie. I haven’t read any, but, um, my parents did. I told them I was going to burn them, so don’t mention it to anyone, okay?’’ Gabe stuttered. Dean gripped onto the stack of envelopes, as if they held gold inside. Dean fumbled with the twine’s knot, desperate to read Castiel’s last words. 

‘’Wait! Don’t read it here. Wait until you get home.’’ Gabe begged, swatting Dean’s shaking fingers away. Dean glowered at him. How could he possibly wait?

‘’C’mon, we both have eulogies to give.’’


End file.
